08 June 2007

Little Life Lessons

(Note: This post will lean more toward the parenting-the-living side of this blog than the dead one.)
  1. If you are lazy enough to feed your 10-month-old microwaved mini veggie corn dogs for lunch, you should expect for him to pass gas that smells like it came from a large dog, and you should expect it to go on all afternoon. Because it will be just like that. 1a. Also expect equally stinky diapers, one for each corn dog eaten, with (ahem) product about the size of said mini corn dogs, to be produced about every 15 minutes, until all mini corn dog material has been depleted.
  2. If you are so lazy that you always let your 10-month-old eat in nothing but his diaper because you don't want to have to scrub his clothes, which always get soiled, even if your child is wearing a bib, although he's probably not, because he's figured out how to take them off in about 3.5 seconds - if that's you, at some point you are going to feel like the biggest jerk in the world when you buckle his delicate tummy flesh into the seat belt of his dining chair. If you don't feel like a jerk yet, just wait until he looks at you with shock and betrayal - you, his own mommy, hurting him. Unbelievable. If you can't trust your mommy, who can you trust???
  3. If you have resolved to raise your child as a pacifist, and he has never experienced any sort of corporal punishment, if you swat at his hands when he plunges them into his fecaliferous diaper, even if you do it guiltily, even if you do it for his own protection (because who needs a good bacterial infection?), he will laugh and dig his fingers in deeper, thinking it's a game. 3a. That same child will also think "no" or "NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!" is also a game, because you tried so hard to not use any negatives with him for 9.75 months that when you pull them out, he thinks no is just a funny sound, a joke, the punchline to one of those rhymes you're always trying to distract him with.
Tune in next time for "Signs It's Time To Wean Your Child, You Hippy Liberal Fruit".

5 comments:

Catherine said...

LOL! Tonight, after three hours of nonstop whining, I swatted Sam's butt and told him to shut up. Yeah. So much for that lesson in niceness, respect, and personal space.

kate said...

LOL! Can't wait for the next installment...

Bad Egg said...

Ahhh yes, playing in poop. We had a similar incident that scarred me pretty badly. Let's just say I didn't feel clean for a long, long time afterwards, never mind Little Boy.

Ick.

cat said...

*snicker* Even if you say no from the beginning they will still laugh at you.

Melanie said...

Laughed so hard I spit my tea on the computer!